My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
