if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You made out with two different species that night
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
