Your face is a jimmy john
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
