If i come over, it means nothing
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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