I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if only i could text you this smell
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
