I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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