Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
