Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
