I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
