if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
