Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
