DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
