I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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