Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
