I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize