it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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