I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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