the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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