I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize