she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
