i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
