Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
