They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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