mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
