There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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