I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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