He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
