ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
