my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
