dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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