whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
