I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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