Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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