cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
