I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
