Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
