$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
