i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
