its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
