Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
