you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
