I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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