I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I love you. Go after that dick
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
