so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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