Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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