We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
