I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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