new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize