Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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