i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
