The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You are the jesus of drinking
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
