Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Is Oprah even human
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize