i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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