she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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