It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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