I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
