I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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