you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
