Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
