im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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