i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
