He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
