Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
