i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
