Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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