how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
