Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
